I am all for new starts, do overs, and mulligans. I think that each day holds the possibility of things that were not available to us the day before. I also am aware that each day comes with shit it drug with it from the last day, and the day before that, and the day before that. Some of the shit we are responsible for and should take straight out to the curb - we don't have to bring our bad habits, our addictions, our bad thoughts, bad relationships - you know what I'm talking about, any further into the future than this moment. Unfortunately, there are some things that follow us from one day to the next no matter how hard we wish they would not follow us.
Having a family member who was diagnosed with cancer in 2010, at such an early age, makes me think about all the things that I could do something about and chose not to - exercise, healthier eating, better sleep hygiene - all the things that with a little discipline could be remedied. The fact that this family member was one of the most health conscious people I know, and she STILL got cancer has made me wonder, why bother?
If we were to compare risk factors just a few months ago, I so should have been the one who got the cancer. I don't think I'm affected with any guilt about not getting it instead of her, but I am struck with the randomness of the life. For years I've eaten a less than stellar diet, carried way too many extra pounds on my frame, and have gone for weeks at a time with an inadequate amount of sleep. I consider myself a smart person, I've read all the info about how life style influences health. Somehow, I've put leading a healthier life style into my future plans - all my life.
Like I said, it's not the wondering why she got cancer, why I didn't get cancer, why anyone does or doesn't get cancer, it's the randomness of it all. What does it all mean? I let myself wander to places I probably should not - was this predestined? is my life predestined? I don't for a second think anyone deserves anything in life - I threw that out 31 years ago when my daughter was born with Down Syndrome. And if anyone does think that there is some god or entity that is handing out cancer and developmental disabilities according to some (undeterminable by humans) plan - how fucked up is that? Who or what would ever do something like that? No one that I would ever want to pray to, worship or live with for all eternity, that's fo sho!
So, then, what do we do with this life that sometimes resembles a big old pile of shit? I guess it's all about, well, love. Which can loosely be translated into just showing up. And staying present in the pain and, hopefully sometime soon, joy, no matter how hard it is to be there, or how insignificant you feel in the big scope of things when you are there. Being present, tending babies, cooking and picking up the place a bit - all those things are making me feel a bit better. I hope that by doing these things I'm also reassuring everyone that I plan to always stay present. I have sometimes imagined a life where I floated and flitted about, feeding the hungry in third world countries, making a pilgrimage to some wise guru in the far east, a little hiking in high mountain ranges, an occasional quick trip to Vegas baby, and of course, being home for birthdays and Christmas, then off on the next adventure. I hope though, that everyone knows that my imagined life will never interfere with the real life I am living close to you. Perhaps I need to tell you that.
I'm not sure if this has anything to do with a New Year theme, what do you think? I think I'll go and ponder why the hell we even keep track of the years, of time, of . . . . . whatever.
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