Flowing on Jordan to the Dead Sea

https://youtu.be/RpgwCawiAw0 *

For decades I have had the same therapist, Jordan.  It started with a referral to them from our family doctor when our family was going through a rough patch back in the 1990s. This person saw our family in all sorts of configurations - solo, couple, family.  They eventually helped me navigate the breakup of my marriage. 

For a few years I saw this person regularly and they helped me learn so much about myself.  And then, not surprisingly, about my connection and relationship to my children, my ex, my family of origin, and this is corny, but, the world.  This learning was empowering and helped me see so much of my life through a lens I did not even know was available for me to look through.  Life didn't become perfect, but it did become informed.

Over time I moved to a few other places.  I'd seek out counseling now and again, but it never seemed as real and authentic as with Jordan.  Sometimes I'd book an appointment with Jordan and drive a few hours just to have a counseling session where I didn't have to explain every bit of context for what I was dealing with in that moment. 

Fifteen years ago, I moved about forty-five minutes from Jordan  and re-established an "as needed" schedule of counseling.  Some years that means monthly, sometimes there have been five or more years between visits.  Last year, during the pandemic, I asked Jordan for zoom counseling sessions and they obliged.  I stated that when I first met them, I thought it was the most difficult time in my family's life.  But I was wrong.  It was even more difficult last year.

Currently Estranged from a Family Member

Scott Berkun - Research from "The Ghost of My Father" 2014               

Jordan listened to me, questioned me, and as usual asked me to question myself about the things that I was bringing to our sessions. Eventually, Jordan said, "I think you need to talk to someone else about this.  Someone who specializes in estrangement."  I agreed.

Jordan introduced me to Chris via zoom.  I liked Chris.  They told me all about estrangement and the studies, the science as it is, behind estrangement.  That made sense to my mind and my heart.  The loss does not hurt any less, but I understand  and can wrap my heart around this.

Until today.  Now I question if Chris is a real counselor.  Chris has wanted me to do some "work" on my own.  Chris says this work will prepare me for the possibility of the estrangement lasting forever, or the estrangement being reconciled.  I want to be prepared. So I agreed to do the "work."

Seems the "work" is verbatim lesson number X from an online writing class:

• What is it that you feel is missing from your life right now? List as many or as few items as you like.
• Is there something that you had in the past that you wish you still had?
• Do you feel like you are simply destined not to have some of the things you may want out of life? Where did this belief come from?
• Is there a time in your past that you "realized" it just might not be in the cards?
• Can you think of anyone you know that has the thing that is missing from your life? What did he or she do differently than what you're doing right now?
• Why do you think this thing is missing? Try to find as many "reasons" as you can.

Fuck you Chris. Thank you for helping me, though. I'm heading back to Jordan.

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* I did not know until I started searching for an image for this post that my experience with counseling is a metaphor for flowing down the Jordan River to the Dead Sea.  Thanks interwebs. Thanks Jordan.