Done!

We think that accomplishing things will complete us, when it is experiencing life that will.  - Mark Nepo

This morning I woke a bit earlier than usual to meet a friend for a walk in a nearby park.  The idea for a daily morning walk percolated into my mind after having my 1,359,032nd lifetime conversation about health, weight, or exercise.  It was about the 456th conversation with this particular friend.  What I realize as these conversations continue to seep into my life most days, is that they are changing.  The conversations I used to have about exercise and weight (I rarely used to involve health) were all about how many pounds I wanted to lose and what size jeans I wanted to fit into.  I would begin a fitness program with enthusiasm, not only anticipating the size 6 jeans, but also imaging an ideal weight that would translate into ideal hair, accessories, intelligence, personality, and my life situation in general. All these things became the positive side effects of losing weight.  That had to be how it worked since I named my excess weight the cause of all that I did not like in my life.  (Self-loathing: strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt; harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.)

I have a few regrets that I put so much energy into the goal of losing weight . . . . since I was a teen.  The preoccupation with the possibility of life being lived at an optimal weight has been my constant companion.  This preoccupation, like a codependent partner, fools me into thinking from time to time that it has my best interest at heart.  Instead of encouraging me to take risks and pay attention to the stirring of my heart and soul, the preoccupation just kept pointing out that what I was wearing made me look fat.  So much of the beauty and joy that was, has always been, standing right beside me each day of my life was unseen and unrealized because I was trying to get a glimpse of my thinner life that was neatly folded and waiting for me with the size 6 jeans in the back of my closet. 

I tell myself, that's all changing.  And most days it is.   I won't lie - I'll always dream about smaller jeans,  But, today, I woke a bit earlier than usual to meet a friend for a walk in a nearby park.  Today, my goal was not to start another bid for weight loss, not to improve my health, not really even to exercise.  Today my goal was to get outside and be part of the larger community of life that I am part of.  Done.