Sexual Assault Apologies - Here's How

Apology

This.
I'm sorry. Is there
anything I can do to
make this up to you?

Not this.
Poor me, oh, poor me.

I used my privilege to

assault you. Got caught.

I would like all people who have assaulted someone in the past to just step up and put that out there. (Although I will admit it's amusing to imagine the millions of famous, infamous, and regular people squirming in the privacy of their homes, waiting for their name to come up . . .)  And, for fvck sake, do not deny, explain your psychological diagnosis, or ask for sympathy for your situation for being outed as a perp!  Here is the only thing you need to say.  Memorize it:

"I'M SORRY.  I WAS WRONG. YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE WHAT I DID TO YOU. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP MAKE WHAT I DID UP TO YOU?" 

Here are some other important steps to remember when offering this apology -

1. The apology is offered in private, not in the national and world media
2. The apology is given directly from you to your victim(s).  You do not have your lawyer, friend, agent, or journalist friend deliver it.
3. Do not just show up at your victim's door to apologize.  Send them a letter or text telling them of your intent to apologize.  If they direct your to an attorney or advocate, do what they ask.
4. After you give the apology, you step back and wait quietly for your victim (or the victim's lawyer or advocate) to get back with you.  
5. Your victim may never get back to you.  You have nothing to say to anyone about that.
6. This is your victim's story, not yours. 
7. These are first steps in giving back the power and dignity you took, and held, from your victim. It feels shitty, doesn't it, to not be in control of the situation.  Yeah, your victim knows how shitty if feels.

All these things are the opposite of what your attorney is going to tell you to do.  You can tell your attorney to go fvck themselves. 

Your victim may ask you for millions of $$$.  If you have that, give it to them.  If you don't sacrifice to give them the most that you can.  Most of the reports that are coming out these days are about assaults that happened years ago.  If the assaults were reported earlier, they were met with people calling them liars or crazy.  Then, victims who spoke up were systematically and fully black-listed, fired, avoided, and labeled as difficult or delusional.  Think of all they missed out on because of the trauma you caused in the moment and sustained with your years-long denial. 

How much do you think it's worth that you got to go forward with your life and your career as if your actions were inconsequential?  Acknowledge that your victim's reality changed, your actions affected their career options, learning ability, partner choices, family relations, and everything else that made up their lives?

So you perps . . . sshhhhh.  If your apology gets into the news, it should be your victim who is sharing what they care to share.

Rock on, brave victims.  You are changing the world for the better.

©Lori Allen 2017

I'm Not Weighing Myself Anymore - 4 Months, 19 Days - Until Tomorrow

Breaking the Spell

Doctor's appointment

tomorrow.  There'll be no choice.

I'll step on the scale.

The picture above, while not recent, does express what life has been like for the four months I haven't been weighing myself.  I think of my weight (and by think I mean: obsess, fret, shame, curse, and blame my genetic inheritance) infrequently these days, which has been a great gift.  I have felt lighter, able to break the chains of the cultural anchors of fat shaming. 

Being hung up on weight, for me, is a carry-over of childhood and young adult relationship stressors.  There have been times in my life when I was lighter, thin even.  Being a physical target for criticism and hurtful words (you're such a fatty, your 10% over ideal weight for a twelve-year old, honey if you could just lose five pounds, how can you let yourself go like that  . . . and so many more) allowed me to keep the focus on things I knew I COULD control rather than things I could not - like your depression, the toxic environment I lived in, the regrets you lived in. 

Being a bit overweight or fat was something I could control, something to take the focus of the things I could not control.  Being a naughty girl, a bitch, an obstacle to your dreams, these were things I could not control because I didn't know what I was doing to cause those things.  (P.S. - I now know I was not doing anything to cause your hurtful words and actions - that was YOU being an asshole.)

Finally, in this point in my life, I've learned that who I am is not who you tell me I am.  Your harsh and cruel words to me were always more about you than me.  I know that what I weigh is more about how I dealt with you than my willpower or personal strength.  And now, I live with this tension and accept that I can deal with you and me and the whole world as I care to.  One day, I may trust I can let go of this protective layer I wear, to allow people to see me.  I want to trust that I won't fall into old patterns of co-dependence.  Some day, perhaps, some day.

So, apparently when I started this whole "not weighing myself anymore" posting, I gave reports.  So, in honor of my annual physical tomorrow where I WILL be weighed, here's an updated report.

Daily goals report: 

·         Weigh in – nope.  But I did eye the scale knowing that tomorrow at this time . . . .

·         Meditate – yes.

·         Walk – Not yet. Just a bit for work. 

·         Eat – Quiche and coffee. 

      Other goals report:

·         Music came in the form of chattering, quarreling, and laughing granddaughters who are bunking with me for a couple days as their folks travel for work. 

·         Clearing my bookshelves and donating to PP booksale.  I have found Swedish Death Cleaning, consider an art that.  I am learning.
·       .Wrote a haiku - see above.

·         Writing - where have your gone?. 

·         Inspired today to update my blog after reading a client's blog.  There is strength and inspiration in V's writing.  Thank you.