Sexual Assault Apologies - Here's How

Apology

This.
I'm sorry. Is there
anything I can do to
make this up to you?

Not this.
Poor me, oh, poor me.

I used my privilege to

assault you. Got caught.

I would like all people who have assaulted someone in the past to just step up and put that out there. (Although I will admit it's amusing to imagine the millions of famous, infamous, and regular people squirming in the privacy of their homes, waiting for their name to come up . . .)  And, for fvck sake, do not deny, explain your psychological diagnosis, or ask for sympathy for your situation for being outed as a perp!  Here is the only thing you need to say.  Memorize it:

"I'M SORRY.  I WAS WRONG. YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE WHAT I DID TO YOU. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP MAKE WHAT I DID UP TO YOU?" 

Here are some other important steps to remember when offering this apology -

1. The apology is offered in private, not in the national and world media
2. The apology is given directly from you to your victim(s).  You do not have your lawyer, friend, agent, or journalist friend deliver it.
3. Do not just show up at your victim's door to apologize.  Send them a letter or text telling them of your intent to apologize.  If they direct your to an attorney or advocate, do what they ask.
4. After you give the apology, you step back and wait quietly for your victim (or the victim's lawyer or advocate) to get back with you.  
5. Your victim may never get back to you.  You have nothing to say to anyone about that.
6. This is your victim's story, not yours. 
7. These are first steps in giving back the power and dignity you took, and held, from your victim. It feels shitty, doesn't it, to not be in control of the situation.  Yeah, your victim knows how shitty if feels.

All these things are the opposite of what your attorney is going to tell you to do.  You can tell your attorney to go fvck themselves. 

Your victim may ask you for millions of $$$.  If you have that, give it to them.  If you don't sacrifice to give them the most that you can.  Most of the reports that are coming out these days are about assaults that happened years ago.  If the assaults were reported earlier, they were met with people calling them liars or crazy.  Then, victims who spoke up were systematically and fully black-listed, fired, avoided, and labeled as difficult or delusional.  Think of all they missed out on because of the trauma you caused in the moment and sustained with your years-long denial. 

How much do you think it's worth that you got to go forward with your life and your career as if your actions were inconsequential?  Acknowledge that your victim's reality changed, your actions affected their career options, learning ability, partner choices, family relations, and everything else that made up their lives?

So you perps . . . sshhhhh.  If your apology gets into the news, it should be your victim who is sharing what they care to share.

Rock on, brave victims.  You are changing the world for the better.

©Lori Allen 2017