Breaking the Spell
Doctor's appointment
tomorrow. There'll be no choice.
I'll step on the scale.
The picture above, while not recent, does express what life has been like for the four months I haven't been weighing myself. I think of my weight (and by think I mean: obsess, fret, shame, curse, and blame my genetic inheritance) infrequently these days, which has been a great gift. I have felt lighter, able to break the chains of the cultural anchors of fat shaming.
Being hung up on weight, for me, is a carry-over of childhood and young adult relationship stressors. There have been times in my life when I was lighter, thin even. Being a physical target for criticism and hurtful words (you're such a fatty, your 10% over ideal weight for a twelve-year old, honey if you could just lose five pounds, how can you let yourself go like that . . . and so many more) allowed me to keep the focus on things I knew I COULD control rather than things I could not - like your depression, the toxic environment I lived in, the regrets you lived in.
Being a bit overweight or fat was something I could control, something to take the focus of the things I could not control. Being a naughty girl, a bitch, an obstacle to your dreams, these were things I could not control because I didn't know what I was doing to cause those things. (P.S. - I now know I was not doing anything to cause your hurtful words and actions - that was YOU being an asshole.)
Finally, in this point in my life, I've learned that who I am is not who you tell me I am. Your harsh and cruel words to me were always more about you than me. I know that what I weigh is more about how I dealt with you than my willpower or personal strength. And now, I live with this tension and accept that I can deal with you and me and the whole world as I care to. One day, I may trust I can let go of this protective layer I wear, to allow people to see me. I want to trust that I won't fall into old patterns of co-dependence. Some day, perhaps, some day.
So, apparently when I started this whole "not weighing myself anymore" posting, I gave reports. So, in honor of my annual physical tomorrow where I WILL be weighed, here's an updated report.
Daily goals report:
Being hung up on weight, for me, is a carry-over of childhood and young adult relationship stressors. There have been times in my life when I was lighter, thin even. Being a physical target for criticism and hurtful words (you're such a fatty, your 10% over ideal weight for a twelve-year old, honey if you could just lose five pounds, how can you let yourself go like that . . . and so many more) allowed me to keep the focus on things I knew I COULD control rather than things I could not - like your depression, the toxic environment I lived in, the regrets you lived in.
Being a bit overweight or fat was something I could control, something to take the focus of the things I could not control. Being a naughty girl, a bitch, an obstacle to your dreams, these were things I could not control because I didn't know what I was doing to cause those things. (P.S. - I now know I was not doing anything to cause your hurtful words and actions - that was YOU being an asshole.)
Finally, in this point in my life, I've learned that who I am is not who you tell me I am. Your harsh and cruel words to me were always more about you than me. I know that what I weigh is more about how I dealt with you than my willpower or personal strength. And now, I live with this tension and accept that I can deal with you and me and the whole world as I care to. One day, I may trust I can let go of this protective layer I wear, to allow people to see me. I want to trust that I won't fall into old patterns of co-dependence. Some day, perhaps, some day.
So, apparently when I started this whole "not weighing myself anymore" posting, I gave reports. So, in honor of my annual physical tomorrow where I WILL be weighed, here's an updated report.
Daily goals report:
· Weigh in – nope. But I did eye the scale knowing that tomorrow at this time . . . .
· Meditate – yes.
· Walk – Not yet. Just a bit for work.
· Eat – Quiche and coffee.
Other goals report:
· Music came in the form of chattering, quarreling, and laughing granddaughters who are bunking with me for a couple days as their folks travel for work.
· Clearing my bookshelves and donating to PP booksale. I have found Swedish Death Cleaning, consider an art that. I am learning.
· .Wrote a haiku - see above.
· .Wrote a haiku - see above.
· Writing - where have your gone?.
· Inspired today to update my blog after reading a client's blog. There is strength and inspiration in V's writing. Thank you.
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